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Carlene Tan Li Xuan
11th July 1988.
Currently 23+.
Studied in St. Anthony's Canossian Primary and Secondary School,
SRJC (first 3 months),
TPJC, NUS FASS (econs).
loves family, friends, chocs, western desserts, yellow, etc etc.

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Sunday, June 27, 2010
~ Never good enough for her ~

Not sure about most of you but for me, being the filial daughter was always one of my greatest goals in life. I guess ever since I learnt how to feel, I had always hoped my mum would appreciate things that I did, and let her feel like she was cared for just like how my brother cared for her. According to her, my brother was the only caring from young. In other words, his sensitive nature was inborn. Unlike my sis and I, who never really bothered about how she felt. So as I grew older, I tried time and time again to be the kind of daughter she'd be proud of. I tried to think from her point of view so that our frequency of arguments could reduce drastically. And for a few years, it did. I managed to open her up with my sudden hugs and numerous thrashing out sessions but last night, I think she officially broke my heart.

Basically my mum was upset with my dad cause he made her go to some company function at a Changi bungalow when she didn't want to. And he sort of changed the plans a little so anyways, we took a walk along the Changi Point Broadwalk. Will upload some pictures later. So anyways, thinking that we should go elsewhere to eat so everyone could be happy, I insisted that I didn't want to eat at the bungalow and that we want to go elsewhere to eat. However, after I made such a move, my mum came out of Changi Beach Club saying that my brother didn't want to eat and she already made plans and that my sis and I were just bring troublesome and my bro wanted to stay there and now because we are so troublesome, he's got to go with us.

That hurt like crazy man. I mean my initial idea was that we would bring her out since she was so unhappy in the first place but guess I was really wrong. Jackpot and my bro's wants was way more important than anything else.

It's just so hurting that no matter what I do, I'll never be good enough and never be caring enough. I don't think it's my fault I wasn't born as caring as bro and I'm glad he is. I just wish I was. I just wish I could make you happy. Feel like giving up already though. Don't even feel like celebrating my birthday cause whatever for? Don't even think I matter to her anyways.

I don't know how to describe exactly how I feel but it's just hurting. It hurt so badly I cried. And for me to cry, think that shows the extent of whatever happened yeah? haha.

Ah wells. Whatever.

Anyways, I took some really good pictures at the broadwalk. It's on my wallpaper on my hp now. If you all want the photos just let me know! Can bluetooth to ya'll. Haha..